How do I move on from a lonely hell? Where does one go when a house is not a home? Who do I confide in when no one will listen? I’m starting to feel like I don’t belong anywhere.
“I’m a burden” she says as she looks at me with eyes that scream she wished I wasn’t born. “You’re not the only one” my heart whispers to her eyes. I’ve wished this wish a million times and no star, candle, clock or universe ever answered. My prayers go straight into heaven’s junk mail. I break apart and start to contemplate.
Am I too small and unimportant of a being to be recognized? My mind was a cup overflowing with words that drowned me. Why I asked? Why couldn’t a simple wish come true? It was then someone finally saw my letters. “You cannot wish for death” they tell me. “Death is too big of a wish and too cruel of a prayer” I guess in some way they were right.
The problem is, I failed to realise I was dead a long time ago. I just didn’t know it. It was when I was silent in my noise, I noticed my heartbeat, touched my pulse, plunged into my warmth and felt…nothing. I was as numb as a corpse. I was a zombie with a broken yet somehow functional brain. I was dead where it hurts the most. I was dead when I first made that wish.
I now know why they say to be careful what you wish for. Death isn’t as great as it seems. It isn’t a safe net to fall on when life has turned to darkness. It’s never a way out. Unfortunately, I learned this too late. Death is easy to find, but life is hard to earn. Looking back now, I wish I wished for a light to warm me, two arms to hold me and three more wishes to save me.
As I stay here under my blankets, crying the last tears that made me human into my last source of physical comfort, I reminisce on all the times I smiled a genuine smile. Those will be the last and brightest smiles I will ever see again.
– The child in Death’s darkness